Sam Pink wrote a slayer of a book called I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT from Paper Hero Press, whose editor gave me free UK shipping because he loves me. Or perhaps he was being a savvy businessman. No, no, I think he loves me. As does Sam Pink. I’m pretty sure that’s what they whispered in my ear repeatedly as we built a blanket-and-cushions fortress in my room last night. But enough about me.
Sam Pink likes interviews and I like Sam Pink as none too subtly noted above and elsewhere. So one stormy night Sam Pink generously allowed me to call him names for the duration of some questions. It was fun. Well, for me anyway.
AS: Sam Pink, why are you such a Sam Pink and how did you get that way?
SP: i got this way by sleeping with my face on my hands so now like my face is all red and drooled. and now i look sleepy all the time.
AS: Sam Pink, would you consider raping me if I asked very nicely? In replying to this question please be aware that I have three bags of Skittles that I am willing to share. Taste the rainbow.
SP: i don’t think i could rape someone without their permission and then it wouldn’t be rape. i get weird when i have to ask other people to do things for me because then i know that i am alive and that i produce a difference in the world.
AS: Sam Pink, take us through a day in the life of Sam Pink, from the time of your first morning wood until you kiss your teddy bear, Pinky Sammy The Third, goodnight at bedtime.
SP: i spend the first huge part of the day holding back the urge to cry and do bad things and stay in my room and then right before i fall asleep i feel the shittiness in a single hiccup and then i fall asleep.
AS: Sam Pink, can we see a picture of you without a shirt on you douche?
SP: i would be comfortable with that i think.
AS: Sam Pink, why do you hate me?
SP: because i am a weak human who avoids thinking damaging truths about myself so i hate others to distract myself.
AS: Sam Pink, you are the author of some very naughty things. Very naughty. Lots of important people, like maybe Sarah Palin, will attempt to silence you with a turkey to the gullet if they ever get a whiff of your little nazi ass. Sam Pinko, you commie bastard, why do you hate America?
SP: i honestly don’t ever think, “this will offend someone.” i just write it and then hope no one wants to knee me in the balls.
AS: Sam Pink, are you really that kid from Freaks and Geeks and you changed your last name to protect your identity? Please say yes.
SP: i think i am “budnik” from the show “salute your shorts”.
AS: Sam Pink, are you planning to procreate? And if so, how?
SP: i had a dream that i fucked a female cheetah thing so maybe that is what i will procreate with.
AS: Sam Pink, many people have said they’ve seen Sam Pink writing in a pink notebook. Is this true? Is Sam Pink a pink notebook user?
SP: i bought a blue notebook to write down ideas and now when i look at it i think “this sucks”.
AS: Sam Pink, you are a literary heartthrob. Please tell your fans your favourite: band, colour, author, ice cream flavour, and thing to do on dates with girls.
SP: my favorite thing to do on a date with girls is feel comfortable.
AS: Sam Pink, please describe in detail how you are planning to kill my mom, my landlord and my jerk of a boyfriend and win my affections like we talked about.
SP: they will all be captured and tied together and i will piss on them all then beat them with my hands until they are dead and if they don’t die i will put a wrench on each of their noses then kick the wrench so they choke while looking at me.
AS: Sam Pink, when are you going to come over and play Dr Mario with me? I have to know because I have to work out because we will be arm wrestling to see who gets to be player 1.
SP: if i had someone to lie on a couch with and play video games i would be less upset. especially if that person wore sweatpants that i could take off easily and there were no underwear underneath.
AS: Sam Pink, what do you want us to remember about you when you’re dead?
SP: absolutely nothing
• Buy the book if you want your children to grow up healthy and happy: I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT.
Ani Smith is a writer, self-appointed editor, web addict and all-around shameless slut. This is her first interview and she expects future subjects will be queueing up any moment.
in the future no one will care what you did but how you did
i am sad because sam pink and i will never drink coffee together with our fake mustaches.
deep in his heart sam pink knows how i feel about him, so i’m not going to say it again right now.
dear sam,
the only thing i ask of you, is when you are worldwide famous, and i come up to you after you finish with Oprah, and I awkwardly introduce myself to you with my internet name, that you smile warmly in recognition, and hug me and go, “Finally we meet!”
(our second meeting can be way more freaky)
Thank you in advance,
xTx
I second xtx’s comment.
But with all the Sam Pink references replaced by Ani Smith ones.
Though Sam’s great too.
And he can say hello to me after I’ve been on Oprah.
(Not because of my writing, but because of winning my battle with prescription athlete’s foot medication, and writing a book about it.)
All I read was shit and brainwashing. I would never call that writing, maybe babbling.
And you Ani, you should know better than to interview with someone who is a disgrace to all great writers, like yourself.
I think the person calling themselves A Critic on this comment strand should talk to their doctor about getting their dosage increased. What you wrote doesn’t even make sense.
Look, “A Critic” did Sam a favor. Writers need to have haters. That’s how you know you’ve made it. Sam, I’ve read just a little of your writing, and I thought it was interesting, but when I saw the video “Clarissa’s mom reads Sam Pink” I was floored. I watched it several times in fact. Really great.
Great stuff, Sam.
i liked doing this interview. it is ok not to be liked.
Dude, is that Sarah Palin?
“it is ok not to be liked”
My mother has been telling me this since I returned home from my first day at school at the age of five. It’s beginning to sink in.
i am “the critic”
i am trying to assume the role of antagonist in this comment thread so sam will become famous and oprah will accept him.
Barry are you serious? That was you? lol You’re a silly one.
Hi Sam Pink! I’m going to start putting the mag (BFR) together soon can’t wait to send it to you. If Sam Pink gets on Oprah I might actually watch an Oprah episode! That would be hilarious! Poor Oprah, I hope she knows what she’s getting herself into.
in the future no one will care what you did but how you did